“You get in the biggest fight with people you care about the most because those are the relationships you’re willing to fight for”
Fighting is one thing we had in common when we are interacting with other people, most of the time it produces negative and unwanted effect to our day. That is the reason people try to avoid fighting at all when it doesn’t have to be that way. Actually I encourage couple to fight with each other in order to understand more deeply their partner. Every one of us had beliefs differently compared with our peers, our environment while growing up and the closest people around us takes part in shaping us the way we are now. One situation might be translated differently by different person, take an example of a criticism. A negative minded person see it as an obstacle, finding what’s lacking in himself and avoid the critic. A positive minded person take it differently though, they see critic as a constructive thought and use it to enhance his performance, he embrace the critic and assess himself to be better in the future. The next question to ask is, “what makes a person have positive/negative mindset?”
People with positive mindset roots from a strong-healthy family, well-nurtured in their growing phase, and see the world as “good untile proven otherwise”. And most negative people come from a divorce or broken family, criticized destructively in their growing phase, and see the world as “bad until proven otherwise”. Wait, did I mean. Broken family always produce negative people and vice versa? No, what I’m saying above is a generalization over statistical data in the fields. Few children growing up in a chaotic family does turn into a positive minded people, how could this happened?
The answer is intervention, it could be described as an external and strong experience or thought which change the way individual think. Fruits won’t fall far from the tree, unless someone kick it. It was once a popular phrase in my country when people tried to forecast a child future. How could this relate to “fighting in a healthy way” ? Well, before you say anything to your counterpart, first assess his/her mindset. Is he someone who want to improve his life quality? Does he take criticism in a healthy way then reflect upon it? Or does he got angry easily when someone offend him? Just by classifying your counterpart to “positive” or “negative”, we could know if you can fight with him in a healthy way. Well, you got the point. Someone who is positive will have a bigger chance of taking a verbal fight constructively, rather than defending his ego and attacking back.
And what if my counterpart is a negative person, or simply a positive person but currently having a bad mood? Here’s the list to make that conversation end up with a way out:
– Never argue about two things at a time. If your counterpart is talking about another problem when you are talking about your’s, finish discussing his problem first then get back to your’s.
– Listening is the key principle. How hard could it be to listen and not cutting someone’s speech? Pretty hard it turned out for most people. Agree before the fight that both of you are going to respect what each other said.
– Take time to reflect after fifteen minutes or so, reflecting what your counterpart said usually produce some truth you could use to be aware of your behavior.
– Realize that you are fighting with each other because you still care and want to maintain your relationship with him. If you don’t care about your relationship or him, then you might want to shut up and move on.
– Every problem has a solution. Divorce and bankruptcy is a solution as well despite the fact that nobody wants it. Every action we took had its consequence and there will be time to be responsible for it.
-And if the conversation doesn’t go anywhere, ask a neutral friends about his view of your problem.