Key Points from Book: Make Peace with Anyone

When we do what is good, not what look or feels good, then we increase our self esteem

When someone take our control or power, we feel angry. If we have low self esteem, then that means by definition that you do not feel in control. And you will be damned if someone is going to come along and rob you of your last few remaining drops of independence and power.

The higher a person’s self esteem, the less angry he becomes in any given negstive situation

Anger is an illusion to make us powerful, angry people have low self esteem

To have an apology, you must restore that person’s sense of independence

Anger comes from fear of losing control

There are two ways to put an airplane on the ground. You can either land it or crash it.

Relationships are build on trust, honesty, and respect

Resolve any personality conflict:
Establish mutual respect by telling your respect to him to third party
Have something in common with him
Allow the person to give to you, ask him for a favor
Show your human side, embarassing stuff

Ignoring advice without hurt:
Show appreciation for the input
Give two reasons why you agree and one reason why you don’t
Thank her for getting you thinking an even better solution
Seek out her opinion on something else

Turning complaint into plus:
Simply listen
Paraphrase and empathize
Ask him for a favor regarding the problem and make him feel special
Do something special

When people are asking for your opinion, most of them just want to be praised

Handling criticism:
Say thank you sincerely
Ask a question regarding how or why she herself is so capable

Criticizing without offending:
Tell the person what you really like the way he is
After some time, tell them you change your mind and want to do it differently

Dealing with passive aggresive:
Let the person know that you believe her motivations are grounded in something much mire pathetic than merely wanting to unconciously annoy you

Handling angry never wrong person:
Build up respect
Reshape his self concept by telling how capable he is handling a situation according to your problem
Get him invest in you, ask for a favor

Getting along with emotionally unwell people:
Make her feel special
demonstrate trust by asking her input or advice, help you with a project
Instill a sense of independence, let her be in charge of her life

Get anyone to do something:
Ask her opinion
Tell a third party your admiration and respect to her
Give a small gift of appreciation
Leading by example
Positive reinforcement, give encouragement for his goodness
Employ negative association for his bad attitude
Saying “you don’t need to …..” When actually you want him to do it.

When you both disagree, do it your way:
Ask his opinion
Tell third party respect of him
Give a small gift
Reciprocal persuasion, do a favor for him and he will likely to help you in return
Adopt two sided argument
Tell him you know how he feel, but even if he is right, adk him to do it your way and you will do it his way if your way isn’t working

Dividing anything fairly:
One person divide, the other pick
Choosing item in sequence, you, me, me, you, etc
If you are not sure whose turn it is, give him full control to decide the outcome

When you say the wrong thing:
Depersonalize the impact, or globalize the saying
Apologize and take the blame
Do a casual follow up, telling him in private that you lost it and trust him

Gain forgiveness:
Depersonalize the impact
Take actual, concrete steps to assure your actions will not be repeated
Tell him the future of you both are going to be better than before
Emphasize respect
Tell him you want to do something nice but things got in your way
He have to look at you that you are suffering and feeling guilty

Get anyone to forgive you:
Have humility
Be emotional to show your experience
Show respect
Take full responsibility
Sincerely apologize
Be willing to accept and even offer consequences
Solidify in real world with a specific action
Reestablish mutual respect, donate money, do charity work, etc
Restore the sense of balance, tell him you don’t gained anything for the wrongdoing
Establish peace of mind, eliminate his fear. Tell him you are afraid which then you steal, having affair, etc
Tell him things going to be better than before
Put a game plan

Be forgiven even if he is not gaining anything from it:
Restore balance
Approach the situation with respect

When a recent conversation gets blown out:
Admit full blame
Tell him your respect to him
Ask for forgiveness
Give a piece of offering, time, thought, attention, etc

When time has passed and nobody is talking:
Let him know that your actions were not meant as disrespectful
Tell him your respect
Show regret
Demonstrate pain of losing the friendship
Ask for forgiveness
Tell a story of both of you in the old time
Send peace offering in advance

Emergency situation:
A dose of reality, give a perspective of having an accident or death
Tell him about your recent loss
Use fear that time is not always available
Tell him that the universe is sending him a message by telling him to observe certain things in his life
Shift the focus of each sees other, donating kidney, saving person life, etc
Say that it’s too late for you but not for him
Use event like birth or death to reconcile


About Journeyman

A global macro analyst with over four years experience in the financial market, the author began his career as an equity analyst before transitioning to macro research focusing on Emerging Markets at a well-known independent research firm. He read voraciously, spending most of his free time following The Economist magazine and reading topics on finance and self-improvement. When off duty, he works part-time for Getty Images, taking pictures from all over the globe. To date, he has over 1200 pictures over 35 countries being sold through the company.
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